Apologising to my babushka doll selves

by Anna Birchall

It’s incredible the sea of nasty chatter we allow to flood our thoughts. We can be so awful, awful, awful.

For years I’ve told myself things that I wouldn’t for a second tolerate hearing from anyone else.

If someone told me:

That I was worthless, that I’m not good enough, I not worth caring about. I don’t deserve love and kindness.

I would have cut them out pronto. I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life. 💅🏻 Likewise, I would never dream of talking to another human this way.

But for so long, sending that malice my own way was my modus operandi.

What I would give to have all my past selves, like unstacked babushka dolls, in one room at the same time –

I’d hug them all and apologise.

I’m sorry I hurt you all so deeply – For refusing you the love and support you so needed, deserved and desired from me.

Words don’t hold the weight of how sorry I am for robbing you of your self-worth.

I can’t take it back. I’m so grateful you stuck with me, thank you.

It stops here. You’re safe now, I promise, you’re loved exactly as you are.

My fifty-year-old self won’t need to apologise for the way I treated my 23-year-old self or any others for that matter.

Tl;dr; Cut yourself some slack. Give yourself some love, even some like if love is too much.

I cried writing this.

Not only because I’m a passionate crybaby – I cried because I relived the intense pain of my past selves. And I cried because I know that so many people have past and current selves they have hurt, and don’t know how to start caring.

Take baby steps. There’s a lot to unpack. But you are enough as you are.

Moon Turtle